Struggle
by Haruka-Chan 212
Summary: A very confused Haruka looks for help and love, and finds it in Michiru. Be forwarned, serious subject matter! Complete
1. Chapter 1

This is a work in progress. It's kind of based on personal matters. I'm using some of my own issues to write this. I've been working on it when I've worked overnight at my job. I get a lot of time to myself and it's peaceful, so I can do my work.

This will be entirely in journal format.

Please note: The rating is only due to the subject matter.

The Struggle  
Chapter 1

January 20, 1998 - Tuesday

I figured that if I start writing things down it might help me feel better. That's what my teammate suggested when he noticed that I haven't been myself lately. He told me that it helped his wife deal with her anxiety and depression by writing.

I've been having these...thoughts, I guess you could say that's what they are. More like dreams, if you will. Dreams that everytime...no...more like flashbacks to the different times I've been with a woman. Even then something didn't feel right, but I thought nothing of it. I find myself having these flashbacks more and more frequently.

I don't even know how to describe it. Every time I was with each of those women, they thought I was a man. That...EVERY...part of me was male. None of them considered the possibility that I wasn't a man. It felt perfectly fine to me then. It didn't bother me at all that they thought what they did. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it should have bothered me. I know it would have if I actually felt like a gay female. The problem is that I don't. I find that I feel more like a straight man.

Now that I look back at my life, it all makes since, I was the little tomboy growing up. Dad raised me like the little boy he never had. He's the one that taught me how to dress and act as though I were male. When I told him I liked women, he accepted it, though he blamed himself for it at first, but then soon started to reinforce the male attire and attitude to help protect me. He always told me that it would be easier for me to get a woman if I 'wasn't' a woman. And, to be honest with you, it's worked. It's never felt wrong to me to tell women that I'm a man. I even tried living as a typical butch lesbian, but dad was right, it was so much harder to find another woman that would even remotely be interested in me. Straight women are much more prominent anyway, so much easier to find.

Every once in a while, though, I'll leave me chest binding off and go to the gay bar that's downtown. I tend to spend most of my time chatting with the man that's tending the bar then I do chatting with other women. I feel more volnerable when I don't have that flat chest. I can't make the first step to walk up to a woman that's chatting with some friends and say hi to her. I don't have that confidence in myself.

Jiro was right, this is making me feel better. I'll have to thank him tomorrow morning. It's nearly midnight and I have to get up for a long day of race day training tomorrow.

* * *

Yes, Haruka's dealing with transgender thoughts, hense the story's rating. If this is something you cannot handle, I don't recommend reading any more. 


	2. Chapter 2

Please note: The rating is only due to the subject matter.

The Struggle  
Chapter 2

January 22, 1998 - Thursday

They said I had my best time ever yesterday. I guess everything that's been working on my mind showed through my lead foot. They don't understand that I feel like an empty shell. I don't feel whole. I get jealous whenever I see my teammates and coaches with their wives and girlfriends.

I hate the feeling of having nobody to go home to at night. Maybe I should get a dog or something, so I'll at least have a little bit of company when I get home after a long day at the track. I still have yet to. At least it's peaceful once I get home. But I feel as though I've fallen into a rut. It's the same routine day in, day out. I get up at 6 AM, make up a bowl of oatmeal and grab a glass of orange juice. At 6:30 I wash up the dishes from my breakfast and my dinner from the night before, then I go for an hour jog to get my blood running and to wake up completely. Then I take a show, change, and climb into my car to head to practice for the day. From anywhere between 4 PM and 8 PM I'll get home. I'll stop at the bottom of the hill and grab my mail, then pull up and park in the garage, I go in, grab a small salad to eat, then crawl into bed. And whenever I'm feeling bold, I'm writing in here now. But that's only because I got done early today. It's only about 6:30.

Maybe I'll go for a walk down on the beach to try any relax some, to try and gather my thoughts some I feel like I'm walking in a haze.

* * *

I couldn't stay out there that long. Thinking hurts too much. It's just better for me to pretend as though there's nothing wrong with me. Like I do belong in my skin when I know for a fact that I don't. I don't want to turn into another statistic. To be just another one of those gender confused people that kills themself because they don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm going to go out to get drunk tomorrow night. It might help me relax. Maybe I'll try to find a girl to bring home with me too, someone who likes it rough, that I can take my aggressions out on. Someone who can bend over backwards to give me what I want. I think that's what I need. 

I've done some research on this problem. The proper term for it is gender dysphoria. Apparently it's much more rare to be a FTM as opposed to a MTF. That just makes things even more difficult for me to be able to talk to somebody about this. What would a psychiatrist say about this. I doubt there's even anybody in Japan that could even handle something like this. You never here about anybody have SRS here. Just in America. And I don't have the money to travel there for multiple appointments, let alone the surgeries and medication. I need to lie down. Thinking about this is making me much more depressed. I don't need that with a major race in the morning.

* * *

For those of you who aren't sure what some of these acronyms mean, let me help you some:  
FTM - Female to male transsexual  
MTF - Male to female transsexual  
SRS - Sexual reassignment surgery 


	3. Chapter 3

Dearest Haruka-Clone :) if you're still reading this, trust me I've done all kinds of research on gender reassignment surgeries. There is a practice up in Canada that can actually do the Phalloplasty and the patient have full sexual feeling and arousal after everything is healed. So, yes, there is a lot of danger involved in the FTM surgeries, but they've gotten so much more advanced over the past few years.

Struggle  
February 18, 1998 - Wednesday

It's been a little while since I've been able to write. They wouldn't allow me anything sharp to write with. And there was no way I was dictating everything to some secretary to give me funny looks as she wrote it down. It's just not the same that way. I guess I should explain what I mean. You see, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I went out to the bar, one of the straight ones downtown. There seemed to have been a little bit of an accident. Somehow, somebody knew I was fake. The rejection I felt then was more then I had ever experienced before in my life. So much pain and hatred. I never want to feel that burning again.

When I got home that night, I took a knife to my bandages, I didn't feel a thing as it sliced through my skin under the elastic. It was strange, it almost felt good. No…it did feel good. It was such a release. It felt like so much emotion was let loose through the gashes in my skin.

I was found in the morning by the maid. I have her come in once a week, normally while I'm at work to clean my home. I just don't have the time to do it on my own. They told me that I was barely alive when they got me to the hospital. After they stitched up my wounds then gave me a blood transfusion. They said I'm lucky to still be alive. I don't feel lucky. I'd rather be dead, things would be so much easier, there would be so much less to deal with if I just lost all function.

They forced me to speak with somebody while I was there. Not by choice though. It was the only way they'd consider letting me out is if I spoke with somebody. I remember the look she had given me when I told her that I'm not a woman. I even got so frustrated with her that I threw my dinner tray at her after she called me 'ma'am' one too many times before I finally snapped. I think this is something I needed to help me relax about this, that it's not as crazy as I had originally thought it was. There are people out there that can help me, in fact, I have an appointment with a doctor next Wednesday. It's only a preliminary meeting, but who knows what could happen and what he could help me to understand more.

My entire team knows I'm genetically a woman now, which isn't the best thing in the world. Their attitude towards me has changed, they're treating me differently now, like I'm inferior to them, which I know I'm not, I'm better then they are. But to them, a woman can't do what a man can do, even though I've been proving it to them for years now. That doesn't mean anything to a typical man, who thinks they're superior, when they're not.

I might go out this weekend to the gay bar. Just to see what happens. It will be a while before I'm able to go to my normal hangout. At least until everything blows over of me being fake. I think it's starting to sink in, how truly alone I feel. I'm getting to that age where I need to settle down with somebody, I can't do this anymore, not alone. I can't handle things on my own anymore. I need some help.


	4. Chapter 4

There is more then 1 entry in this chapter, because of the shortness of the first entry. I figured I'd save myself from the trouble of dealing with angry anti-short-chapterers.

Struggle

February 22, 1998 - Sunday

For the first time in many months I actually feel happy. I met a beautiful woman named Michiru Kaiou when I went out this past weekend. Amazingly, she came over to talk to me first. I didn't have to make the first move, so she's bold. I like that about a girl. She's a few years younger then I am, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I plan on taking her out to dinner this Friday night, then out to whatever movie she wants to go and see.

What will she think of me though when she sees me as a man? I told her a little bit about that last time, it didn't seem to bother her. But it normally never does, not until they actually see it and they're going out with somebody who's like that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Hopefully she'll understand that I have to dress like I do. Nobody looks at me funny when I have my breast bound down. I'd get stared at if I were to wear a sport's bra with a tighter fighting shirt, then they'd all wonder what was wrong with me. Nobody thinks twice when they see me as a man.

February 26, 1998 - Thursday

I met with Dr. Sato yesterday afternoon. And let me just say I'm afraid to take the prescription to the pharmacy to have it filled. I was able to talk with him about everything that was on my mind. Granted I never once looked up at him. But I was able to tell him everything. That I've felt like this for a year or two now. And about my behaviors when I was a child. That I'd rather had played baseball, and with trucks, then with dolls and dresses. I've never felt like I should have been a little girl, that I should have been a little boy all along.

I think I'm going to go and get this filled at the pharmacy. He knows I suffer from gender dysphoria. He's starting me on a low dosage of hormones to make sure my body doesn't have any adverse reactions to it. I think he said after this 2 month supply is through, he'll consider upping the dosage before getting me in for surgery. I felt myself start getting a little uneasy when he mentioned surgery. Especially the lower surgery. The good thing is, I wouldn't have to travel to the U.S. like I had originally thought. There are a few surgeons right here in Tokyo that can perform the operations.

Dr. Sato said once I come in for my follow-up appointment, and as long as everything's going well with the current hormones, he'll have his secretary make me an appointment with one of the mastectomy doctors. Hopefully all the butterflies in my stomach will be gone by the time that comes around…I'm actually doing this.

March 2, 1998 - Monday

I started taking those hormone pills that Dr. Sato prescribed for me. I haven't seen any change yet, but he said it will take a week or two before the effects would hit me.

My date with Michiru went amazingly well. I wasn't expecting her reaction when she saw me. She gave me that same goofy smile she gave me when she first approached me. I remember what she said too when I picked her up. "This fits you much better then what you wore last week."

During our date I told her about my appointment with Dr. Sato, and about the medicine. She didn't seem surprised at all as I told her about that. This is the type of person I need in my life. Somebody who will always be there, no matter what I do. She told me that as long as I'm happy, then she'll be happy. I really like her. I'm going to give her a phone call later to see if she wants to come over for dinner tonight.

* * *

And to save myself from harrassment, I already know that it takes much more then 1 appointment to be given hormonal treatments. I HAVE done the research on all of this. Just to know what I might have to go through one day...sigh But that's another story. So save your breath and don't say how it'll take 3 or more visits before hormones would start, I already know this. 


	5. Chapter 5

For the review that mentioned about this being in journal form. I find journal form the easiest to write, and since this is my first fic dealing with transgender issues, I wanted to start off a little easier, because with journal fics they don't have to flow smoothly to be completely understood. There will be fics in the future that are written normally.

Struggle

March 7, 1998 – Saturday

Day 6 now on the pills. It's a scary feeling now, my voice keeps cracking. It almost sounds like the voice of a boy hitting puberty. I've even started to develop a five o'clock shadow now. Dr. Sato already informed me of all the changes that my body would be going through. But I guess I'm still in a little bit of a shock about it all. I'm going out with Michiru tonight. Things with her and I have been going amazingly well. I didn't think I'd ever find anybody like her in my life. She is my dream girl.

For the longest time I thought I'd be alone. I'm sort of grateful for what happened back in the first part of February. If that hadn't of happened, I don't think I would have met her.

March 25, 1998 – Wednesday

24 days now. Just about past the first month's milestone. Michiru's noticed a big difference. She says it looks like I've grown an inch or two taller, and I've put on a little bit of weight. That's not something I really want to hear, that I've put on some weight, but she assures me that it's all muscle. It better all be muscle, it would be so depressing if I started to get fat, because I take too good care of myself for that to happen.

The muscle in my arms and legs are becoming more defined. Honestly, I don't see a difference. But Michiru likes to run her fingers over my bare back, tracing the muscle, she giggles every time I flinch. She doesn't realize that it tickles. Well, I think she does, but she chooses to ignore it and torment me anyway. I talked her into staying over tonight; she should be here in a little bit. I have an amazing dinner prepared for us. Then afterwards I've got champagne and a nice warm fire set up.

April 1, 1998 – Wednesday

First month has come and gone. So far, so good. There haven't been any problems from the hormone therapy. I figured that if I haven't had anything by now, then I probably won't have any. I'm staying optimistic. I've never been one that's wanted to take medication. Yet I'll be taking these for the rest of my life now. But that's alright, I don't mind.

Michiru's starting to make it a habit of staying with me now. She says she loves the sound of the water crashing against the rocks. It's so much better then the cars she's used to hearing from her apartment. I don't think she knows what she means to me. I told her, that when it gets warmer, I'm going to take her to the beach for the weekend. Maybe that was a mistake, now she can't stop talking about it. What she doesn't know is that I've already made reservations for a villa right on the sand for the second weekend in May. It will be plenty warm enough, and the crowds won't be that bad either. I think I'll wait until the first to tell her. I know that's mean, but she'll get over it.

April 19, 1998 - Sunday

Michiru came to my race yesterday. I think that gave me the inspiration to win. I dedicated it to her. She blushed more then I had ever seen her blush before.

Honestly, I was surprised with how well I did. I've been fighting the flu for the past few days. My entire body aches, and I've got a tremendous fever. Michiru thinks I'm sleeping now, she's out in the living room watching television. She's refusing to leave until I get better.

I think I'm falling in love with her...


	6. Chapter 6

Hope everybody is enjoying this thus far. I know I'm enjoying writing it. It's giving me more of an insight to the reassignment process, because of having to look up more information then I'd already looked up.

Don't forget to review. I love reading other people's insight. And I do actually read the reviews, because if there's a question, I'll answer it with my next update. Or I'll send you a PM if the story's finished with the answer.

April 30, 1998 - Thursday

I'm over my flu. Well, for the most part anyway, I still have some achy joints left over, but not nearly as bad as last week. It did get worse for a few days, it caused me to miss my race last weekend. But at least I had a warm body in my bed to keep my safe.

I have an appointment with Dr. Sato tomorrow. He's probably going to give me a refill on my hormones and he might raise the dosage too.

Yesterday, Michiru asked me what happened. She traced her fingers over my arms and actually noticed the scars. I think she's chosen to ignore them until now. I felt her emotions changing as I explained to her what happened that night. She gave me the impression that she wanted to kill each and every one of those people that hurt me. But I assured her that everything is fine now, and that finding her has helped me to overcome a lot of my problems.

Sadly, I'm still feeling alone sometimes. That I have nobody to talk to about the changes I'm going through. Maybe Dr. Sato will have information on some kind of support groups that are close by.

May 2, 1998 - Saturday

Dr. Sato refilled my prescription. This time it's a 6 month supply. He's pleased with how far along I've come over the last 2 months and sees great things for me in the near future. He said he's going to hold off until my next visit before he recommends surgery. I'm starting to look forward to it. I've already got money saved for it. He gave me an idea of what it would cost, and I've got about 75 percent of the money set aside for it. So that means I'll be able to get scheduled in sooner then he probably anticipated to have it done.

I asked Michiru if she wanted to move in with me a few days ago...She seemed so anxious to say yes. I don't think she likes her apartment very much. She said she's starting to not feel safe there anymore. There's been a few break-ins in the buildings nearby, that's got to be why.

Tomorrow we're getting a rental truck to move Michi's things into my home. She doesn't have a lot, she said she'll just sell what furniture she has, because of all the things I have already, there's no sense in having two sofas, and sure as hell no reason to have two beds.

May 12, 1998 - Tuesday

I met with Dr. Sato again today. I put a deposit on my bi-lateral mastectomy. I told them I'll be able to have the rest of it paid off well before the scheduled date of June 24th. I only need to come up with the remaining $2500 then it's all paid for. He told me to be in the hospital at 6 AM. Michiru said she's going to take that day off to be there with me. She said she wants to be there when I wake up.

I told her that I love her. She gave me the funniest look before blushing and curling up in my arms. She told me that she loves me too. I've never felt like this toward anybody I've dated before. She's got to be the one.

June 1, 1998 - Monday

I officially had all of my information changed today. I'm no longer Haruka Tenou (F). I'm not Haruka Tenou (M). The woman at the Motor Vehicle Administration looked at me funny as she was printing out my new driver's license. For the first time ever, that funny look didn't bother me.

Everything's official now. I was still technically a woman when I started taking those hormone pills, but now, all of my ID's say otherwise. Dr. Sato said that's my final step in my transition. All surgeries aside, if I never changed that ID, I'd never officially be a man.

My mastectomy is completely paid off. So all I have to do is be at the hospital at 6 AM on Wednesday the 24th.


	7. Chapter 7

To reply to what was said in a review. It's not just that easy for people suffering gender dysphoria to remain homosexual, in their birth bodies. It is truly a matter of life or death to them. There are studies that show that there is actually a large population of people who suffer gender dysphoria that do not go through with surgeries. They start taking their hormones, and officially change their genders, but to not have the original body parts altered/removed in any way. But there are also the handful that want it all gone, so they don't have to worry about it anymore.

And I'm sorry if this sounds mean...but people who are not suffering this, do not honestly understand what a person can go through. People who do suffer this, end up in a depression state for the rest of their lives if nothing is done to take measures to correct the problem. It is considered a disease...and what do you do when you have the flu for example. You take medicine to fix it. What do you do when you suffer hypothermia and lose all use of your hand, you have surgery to remove it, so you don't have to suffer mentally each and every time you look at it.

I hope this explained a little bit to those of you who do not truly understand what Haruka's going through in this story.

Struggle

June 26, 1998 - Friday

I just got home this morning. I must say, this is one of the strangest feelings I've ever had. I had my top surgery two days ago. I wanted to come home yesterday, but they wouldn't let me. They said they needed to keep me for more observation. Just to make sure I didn't have a reaction to any of the medication they'd given me. I've got these two drainage tubes on either side, they placed them under the muscle of my chest to drain out and buildup that comes from healing. I've got an appointment in a little over a week for him to check everything and hopefully, if everything's going well, take these out.

I've already gotten them caught on a few things, and them being tugged on, is not the best feeling I've ever had. It helps that I've got the bandages on because of the stitches and such, it keeps pressure on the tubes to keep them from being tugged as much. They still hurt though.

They gave me some kind of pain killer...thing is, I don't need it though. I don't hurt at all. All of the nurses thought I was lying to them whenever they asked me if I wanted some medicine. So of course, they gave it to me anyway. Because, according to them, there's no way a person could go through 5 hours worth of surgery and not be in any pain the next day.

Michiru's not leaving my side either. Even after I told her I didn't need help climbing the steps after we got home. She still walked right behind me, supporting my back. I had chest surgery, not hip-replacement. But I guess it's just her way of showing how much she cares. She's even going to make dinner for us for the next few nights.

July 7, 1998 - Tuesday

Never have I felt so much pain before in my life...Well...except maybe when I broke my arm from a racing accident. I met with the surgeon today, he removed the drainage tubes from under the muscles, he's pleased with how quickly I'm healing. I told him that I've always been like this. He still has me on anti-biotics and pain killers. The anti-biotics are only until they run out, the pain killers are for another three weeks or so. The incisions are only a little tender. Whenever Michiru hugs me they sting a little bit, but I can't tell her that, she wouldn't want to hug me until the stitches are completely dissolved.

I'll be allowed back to work next week. The whole team is worried about me, they know about my surgery and what I'm going through. I got a "get well soon" basket while I was in the hospital. Jiro brought it in for me, it was from the entire team, even a few of the league owners signed the card. This change isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

July 20, 1998 - Monday

Michiru's staying with one of her friends for a few days. I dont' know what's wrong with me anymore. It's like I have so much anger built up inside. All the anger that I was never able to let out before all of this started happening. I don't know what it was that made me finally snap, but I did. And instead of just going for a walk or a drive, I told my precious Michiru to go to hell and that she couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through.

How could she understand, she's happy being a woman. I know she tries, but she just can't. I know she wants to be there for me. I can't even let her watch my give myself my hormone injections. That's a part of me that I want to hide from her. I know that someday I'll have to show her how to give them to me...just in case something were to happen. But not right now. I'm not ready to show her yet.

September 6, 1998 - Sunday

Michi and I talked. We decided that she's going to go with me when I meet with Dr. Sato on the 28th. Maybe talking with him will help her to understand things more. I'm sure he could explain it in a different way then I could. And I could ask him about my anger problems. I don't want anything to happen between Michiru and I. I'd be lost without her. I'm so afraid of snapping at her again. And I'm afraid that the next time, will be the last time. I know I'd never hurt her physically, but I'm afraid of pushing her away mentally.


	8. Chapter 8

Please note, after this chapter there will only be two more to come. Hope you've enjoyed it so far, I know I have

* * *

Struggle  
September 29, 1998 - Tuesday

Michiru went with me yesterday, and I'm glad she did. She's now got a better understanding of where I'm coming from when I tell her that I don't feel whole. That I don't feel human half the time when I wake up in the morning. Before my surgery, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror until after I had my bandages on. I hate every part of me that's still considered female. I won't even let Michiru touch me when we make love, it just doesn't feel right for her to do it. She doesn't mind though, at least she says she doesn't anyway.

Anyway, Dr. Sato explained to her about a neurological imbalance in my brain. It's something I was born with, but took me several years to realize. He explained that it's fairly rare for a woman to feel like a man. It's more common for men to feel like women. And that sometimes it's not just as simple as wearing the other gender's clothing and acting like the other gender. They have to physically BE the other gender to feel complete. Now that all of my IDs say I'm male, and the top half of me is male, I feel normal. I don't feel like a cross-dressing woman anymore, I feel like the man I am.

October 8, 1998 - Thursday

Michiru asked me today. "Why can't a transgender person just stay homosexual?" It was hard to explain it to her. It almost felt like she was doubting me and that she'd leave me. I told her that not all transgender people turn out to be 'straight.' Some of them change their gender and end up being with the same gender, so they're still considered homosexual. Sometimes people just need that comfort of the same gender, or that companionship to help them through their transition. To help them understand more of the gender they're changing to.

I explained to her how I felt before I started talking with Dr. Sato. That I was to the point of killing myself, and that I had attempted to kill myself over this. People don't realize that this IS a life or death situation for transgender people.

December 26, 1998 - Saturday

Michiru got me the best present ever...She got me a realistic urinary prosthetic. I don't think she realizes how much that meant to me because I don't have that part of me yet. She helped me into it and made sure it fit me correctly. It does, and I love it, it helps me to feel more right in my skin.

Not only did she get me that, but she got me a new set of earrings, a more masculine set, solid gold. She also got me a few...private items. They were actually her clothing, but she got them to show me as a present. Some rather sexy, baby blue lingerie. It's absolutely gorgeous.

I asked her to marry me yesterday. I know, cliche. But I felt it was time that I did that. She said yes. Yesterday could not have been more perfect. I took her to a restaurant downtown for a romantic, candlelight dinner, that's where I asked her. She now wears the diamond ring on her finger proudly. She's going to be my wife.


	9. Chapter 9

I've done my research for this chapter. I used American dollars to make things a little easier to understand. Just a warning, this chapter is a little graphic, and if you don't know what a phalloplasty is, trust me, you'll know after you read this :)

* * *

Struggle  
March 10, 1999 - Wednesday

Yesterday I recieved a phone call from the Event Manager of the San Francisco Gay Pride, Mark Schilling. He invited me to come and speak at the opening convention before the pride festival. He wants me to discuss my experiences with going through the hormone therapy, and going through the top surgery, as well as how it's effected my life. The biggest catch, all expenses for me to fly and stay will be paid for through the festival funding. I'll even be able to bring Michiru with me. She's already getting anxious about it. He wants me to speak, because of being a world renowned F-1 racer. He thinks it will bring in the largest crowd they've ever seen at the festival. We'll be leaving Tokyo on Wednesday, June 23rd and not returning until Monday, July 5th.

I've been to the states before, it's so much different then here. It seems that they have a thing called 'personal space' there, and they get really aggrivated if you get too close to them for too long. How can they stand it? Yea I understand they have much more space to live on then we do, but how do people in large cities handle it, but people in smaller in-between towns can't. I don't understand Americans sometimes, I think they're a rather funny crowd.

April 2, 1999 - Friday

I met with Dr. Sato today for another follow-up. He's very pleased with my progress and wished me luck for my trip to the states in June. I won't be seeing him again until after I return. He said he'll be ordering a video from the convention to have for his records and to further help future patients.

To be honest with you, I've never felt more alive then I have lately. So many things are starting to look up for me. When this all started, I was so petrified that everybody would reject me for my change. That nobody would want to be my friend let alone even be near me. But I have a beautiful fiance, a great career, and I'm soon to be making friends all over the globe. Michiru told me that if this works out well, maybe I should quit racing to start speaking at GLBT centers across the globe. I laughed at her, how could I possibly consider giving up racing. But she's the worrying type, she's afraid of something happening to me in a race. I told her I'd consider it, depending on how well the speech went and what kind of reaction I got.

I made my first payment today. It was $2,500. Only $53,500 left to go before the surgery's completely paid for. I am now scheduled for the first of my three phalloplasty surgeries. The first one is for a Metoidioplasty, which basically cuts the clitoris free and realigns it in a more nature, penis position. Then after that heals, the next surgery will be for a free forearm skin graft to create the phallus. He told me that this would be the best option to recieve sensation and actually be able to sustain an orgasm. Then the final surgery, which won't be for several months after the skin graft, will be an implant for me to have an erection. It all seems pretty complicated, but I know I'll feel complete when it's over with. 

June 24, 1999 - Thursday

Well, I can now add San Francisco to my list of places I've been. I never knew such a gay friendly place existed. They put us up in the Renoir Hotel, which is right on the parade route. We don't even have to leave our room to watch the parade, but we will be going down to do some shopping afterwards. We've been treated like royalty ever since we stepped off the plane. There was a chauffeur waiting for us to take us right to the convention center to meet with Mr Schilling. He's such a nice gentlemen. I think it's amazing that a guy who's not even gay can have such an important roll in an event for homosexuals. He told me he got into his profession after his brother was killed for being gay. He explained that he wanted to do anything he possibly could for the community. He's got such a big heart.

Then the limo brought us to the rental car place. That's one thing I paid for myself. The festival funding paid for us to have a Ford Taurus for the two weeks we'll be here. I almost laughed out loud when I saw it. Haruka Tenou does NOT drive a family car. So I'm paying the $175 a day for a BMW to rent. I feel much more at home in a luxury car. No offense to the Ford company, but they're cars are a piece of junk.

I must be going, Michi and I are going out to eat, the clerk at the desk recommended a fancy restaurant across town for us to eat at. I need something nice to help me relax before my speech tomorrow.

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Please note...the next chapter is the last chapter, and it will not be in journal format. You'll find out why when I'm able to get it up. Hope you're enjoying this so far. I know it's helping me to deal with a lot of things.

Love you all :D Oh...MARRY CHRISTMAS...Or Happy Holidays, whichever one's more correct for you, I don't like to discriminate.


	10. Chapter 10

Just to make a note, personally I've got nothing against Fords, my first car was a 1996 Ford Taurus, and I loved it. It had 144,000 miles on it before I got rid of it, never once had a problem with it. I'm actually wondering if I should have kept the damn thing. I traded it in for a 2006 Nissan Sentra, but have had more problems with that in the two months that I've had it then I ever had in the nearly 3 years I had the Taurus. Anyway, a majority of people out there either love Fords or hate them, so I figured a person like Haruka would be one to hate them. Especially having always had sports cars and such.

Oh, just so you're aware, this is not going to be in journal format, you'll find out why when you read it.

And uh...sorry about the double post for those of you getting alerts, I was reading through it after I posted it and realized I had the wrong gender refering to Haruka later in the chapter, I guess it's just a habit to put 'her' instead of 'him' lol

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Struggle  
June 25, 1999 - Friday 

I stepped from my rental car and hit the alarm button, the BMW's horn beeped twice in response. I picked up my briefcase and walked into the conference hall, Michiru at my side. She was very proud of me for what I'm doing. She knows it will help so many people who went through the same struggle as I did.

Over the past few weeks I've been working on my presentation. It helped me learn a lot more about the surgeries and how exactly they're performed. Especially my surgeries coming up in a few months. I only have $10,000 left to pay on it, so I can relax for a little bit, the first surgery isn't until November. I did have images in my presentation, but when I ran it through with Mr. Schilling, he recommended that I remove most of them, some of the patrons in the audience may be squeamish. I went through it and removed most of the actual surgery photos, but I kept most of the before and after shots, including my own for the bi-lateral mastectomy portion.

"Don't be so nervous honey, they're just people. Think of this as one of your races." Michiru leaned up to fix my tie, then fixed a stray piece of blonde hair that would not stay out of my face. She then smirked and ran the back of her hand over my cheek. "I thought you shaved this morning."

"I did!" I frowned and turned to look at myself in the mirror. She'd lied to me, there was no stubble on my face. I think she just wanted to help me to relax a little bit. I playfully swatted at her and smiled. It was amazing how well this woman could calm me down. She's always had that skill.

Suddenly a sly grin came across her face and she leaned up to whisper in my ear. "If you do well, I'll make it worth your wild tonight." she placed a warm, moist kiss on my neck, just below my ear. She knew it was my sweet spot, I couldn't help it as a low groan came from my throat. I hated her when she did this to me, especially right before an event such as this. It did have it's effect, it took my mind from the task at hand.

Slowly but surely the convention center started filling with people of all ages, from children who were forced to come with their parents, and who wouldn't listen to a word I was saying, to grown men and women who worked for the San Francisco GLBT organization. I hope that I make a good impression that they'd be willing to invite me back.

Three Hours Later

I swear I had never been so scared in my life. After each of my slides it was so quiet, I swear I could have heard a pin drop down the hall and around the corner. It turned out that they were so amazed with how far I had come in my transition and how willing I was to share it all with them. The whole presentation was only suppose to take an hour and a half, but the other time was full of questions about me, my life, and the surgical proceedures. It was such an amazing feeling to know that these people trusted me to answer their questions as best I could. As I watched over the crowd I saw a huge number of them taking notes. Who knows, they could have been doctors taking notes to help their own patients.

"Haruka, that was wonderful. More successful then I had imagined it to be." Mark shook my hand as I walked back stage. "We would love to offer you and your lovely wife a place in the Convention Center's parade float."

Michiru and I both turned crimson at the 'wife' statement. It was as if we read each other's minds, we both stumbled over words "We...we're...not..." I was finally able to finish the sentence. "We're not married yet."

He simply smiled. "My apologies then. I just assumed from the ring. Sorry. Let me treat you both out to dinner. I know this amazing Japanese restaurant. My way of trying to help you feel at home." He handed me a bottle of water.

I glanced at Michiru, giving her a questioning look, when she nodded I answered him. "We'd love to, but I'd like to go back to the hotel first to change into something more comfortable. What kind of attire is this restaurant?"

"Casual. So you could wear jeans and a t-shirt if you really wanted to." Jeans and a t-shirt...what does he think I am. I don't own a single pair of jeans, and t-shirts are kind of tacky for me. They're all full of strange phrases or oddly colored logos. I'm quite happy with a regular polo shirt and slacks. "I'll pick you two up from the hotel at say...7 o'clock tonight then, is that OK?

Definitely sounded fine to me. It would give Michiru and I some time to do some 'relaxing.' I nodded "That sounds perfect." I looked at Michi. "Are you ready to go honey?"

"Yea." Was all she said as she laced her arm in mine and we headed toward the door. Once we were outside the door that I realized just how many people filled that room. Every space in the parking lot was full, except for a few spots of vehicles that were at the exit, waiting to be able to make their turn onto the main road. Not even this many people turned out for any of the races I was in. A few people stopped me to ask for an autograph. Which, of course, I had no problems signing for them. They were nice enough to come and listen to me talk, it's only the least I could do in return.

A tall man approached us, he was reaching into his jacket pocket, I had just assumed he was fumbling for a pen to ask me to sign something. "Haruka Tenou?" He questioned me, he voice seemed a little shaky. I thought nothing of it, a lot of my fans can't find words whenever they have the chance to speak with me.

"Yes. What can I do for you sir?" I threw him a polite smile.

"Burn in hell."

Two consecutive gun shots rang out across the parking lot. He never removed the gun from his pocket as he fired both rounds into Haruka's stomach, then chest. He slowly sank to the ground, the life draining from his body and forming a puddle around him on the concrete parking lot. Michiru became oblivious to the world around her, her screams echoed just as loud as the shots had. The man who pulled the trigger looked down at her for a moment, as if with a slight remorse for killing the woman's love, then ran off through the crowd. He was quickly taken down and overpowered by a few gentlemen who had attended Haruka's presentation. They held him until the police were able to arrive.

The paramedics had to pry Michiru from Haruka's nearly lifeless body, never before had the aqua-haired woman cried so much. She was allowed to ride in the ambulance with her love. She watched frantically as the paramedics tried to stop the bleeding, then it happened, the heart monitor flat-lined. Haruka died in that ambulance, Michiru holding his hand. The vehicle's sirens were shut off and the truck slowed down, then Michiru saw the lights turn off. When she questioned why, she was told that it's procedure, Haruka had been dead for nearly 3 minutes, there would be only a 5 chance that he could be revived. Michiru looked away, attempting to hide her tears. She was told that once they arrived at the hospital, they would find a doctor for Michiru to speak with, to help her cope with the loss.

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OK...well...I didn't realize this chapter was going to turn out so long, so there's going to be one more. Please don't kill me, we're still in the holiday season. The genres from the beginning said Tragedy...well now you all know why it's marked tragedy. 


	11. Chapter 11

This chapter's going to be a little bit different then the rest of the story...It's more of an explination of events. The first paragraph is in reference to what happened to the man who shot Haruka, and what could possibly happen to a person if they did this in real life. It's also an insight as to how backwards our society is. Even a little bit of background as to why this story was written, and what my own personal links to it are.

Struggle  
Final Chapter

The man who killed Haruka did it almost out of pity. He only listened to the parts of Haruka's speech where she discussed her pain and anguish, ignoring those about relief and happiness. Sadly he was only sentenced to voluntary manslaughter as opposed to murder. The judge and jury believed that he was not in the right state of mind and didn't know what he was doing. He did though. He even told them all that he knew he was going to kill her, that he had showed up just to kill her. He said he felt that she should have stayed in the body she was given and just worked through the rest of her problems. Not to do such an immoral thing by changing her gender, just to please herself. That's selfish. He said that it would have been absolutely fine if she remained homosexual. The judge and jury apparently agreed with him.

But nobody seems to realize that it's just not that simple to remain homosexual. Like me for instance, I love women, I can't deny that, but I don't feel like a woman. I cringe every time somebody calls me "ma'am" or refers to me as "that woman over there." It would be just like being a man, loving who you are, and somebody mistaking you for a woman. That's the kind of pain I feel when somebody refers to me as what I really am. Whenever a clerk or passerby says "Thank you sir." or "yes sir, can I help you?" I simply smile and start speaking with them. It's almost like it feels good for them to call me that. It feels...right...

Whenever my girlfriend and I are together, nobody looks at us funny. Especially when I have my jacket on, I don't have the breasts that a female my size should have. I'm thankful for the breast reduction I had when I was 18, ever since then it's given me an insight as to what I seem to be truely lacking in my life. Yet whenever she's with her sister, who's also a lesbian, but she's got a large chest, defining that she is, in fact, female, we get strange looks.

The point I'm trying to get across with this is that we have feelings too. You can't judge somebody simply because they're different. You can't tell them that they're wrong for feeling like they do. This was a little more of a positive insight into someone struggling with transgenderism. But real life is not always so nice to those who suffer. All of Haruka's friends still loved her, they supported her, as did society. But look at the reality of things when it comes to this. Look up transgender deaths once, I bet you'll find a story about a woman who was stabbed and the paramedics stopped working on her when they cut off her clothes to find she was pre-surgery, she then later died because of that.

Last thing before I say farewell for this story, don't bottle it inside if you've got feelings like this. I did that, they truely do tear you apart from the inside out. Even if you just write (as I did), trust me, it will make you feel MUCH better. I'm lucky enough to have a girlfriend whom still loves me and truely supports me with all of this. It helps that she's bisexual lol.

If you don't agree with it, why'd you read this far? And don't tell me how wrong I am for feeling like this, or writing stories like this. I like being the one that's different, the one that's brave enough to write stories that nobody else would think of attempting. And you all love me for it. I love you all too, all of your support and reviews keep me doing this. If you all were to stop reviewing, I think I'd stop writing, and in turn, go crazy with the thoughts in my head. Again...thank you and I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to read some of my other stories.


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